This is just a quick post to note that every single time one of you clicks on the link to the picture of naked Ron Paul running through a lake already knowing what you’re going to find because I very clearly told you, I die a little. And then I laugh really hard, because apparently I’m not the only weird one out there. 

I’ve been planning on writing an epic post on how to win Civilization V with a cultural victory, but my unbeatable victory plan so far only works up to Noble (level 3). I can’t make it work on Prince (level 4 – the computer’s level). So I’m retooling and will post it once it works.

The thing with Civilization is that I’ve been playing it since at least Civ II and have played every version more times than I’d care to admit. It’s a really satisfying, complex strategy game, and they’ve done a great job of improving it substantially with every new edition.* Civ V gives us City States, which are integral to a cultural victory, and it plays with border expansion in new and interesting ways so that the city automatically goes for the nearby resources rather than expanding evenly, and the combat system has been retooled in fun ways and so on. But in so doing they also managed to make the Cultural victory damned near impossible, which is why (other than unemployment) I’ve become mildly obsessed with getting one on at least Monarch (level 5).

So far, I’ve established the following:
– you need a hefty amount of money to pay off the cultural City States, because you can’t win without all the culture they give you
– you can’t do more than two (or maybe three) cities
– don’t fall into my trap of assuming that an archery unit garrisoned in each city plus 2-3 other units will keep you from looking like a tasty target to some of the more aggressive leaders (I may have lost my capital last night to Hiawatha, who has earned a multi-game level of “must kill the bastard dead” vengeance from me now)
– you really, really want Chichen Itza – golden ages help majorly in creating culture, so lengthening them is a good proposition

After that, however, I’m lost.

One day, there will be a post with a detailed, tested victory plan. Until then, however, I’m still tweaking.

* I’m not usually a fan of sequels. Speaking of, they really ARE doing an Iron Man 3. Because Iron Man 2, um, sucked, so it’s only logical they should make a third. Hopefully they remember to make it funny this time.